Matt Knows Travel…

Backpacking is full of challenges. Doing your own laundry for the first time, getting drunk for free, trying to tell a doctor in a foreign language that your balls smell like fried chicken. One of the most common annoyances however is being forced to live with an interchanging bunch of fuckwits on a daily basis. They come and go, but I’ve noticed a pattern of similar idiots all over the world. Read on to find out about the 9 jerks you’ll find in every hostel.

1 – The Skype Jerk

This jerk will make sure everyone in the hostel can hear their weekly catch up with Mum and Dad. They’ll plonk themselves next to you while you’re nursing a grade five hangover or reading a book and then shout into their iPads about how good of a time they’re having. Get the fuck outta my face jerk-boy or imma turn your tablet into a fucking Frisbee!

2 – The Sex Jerk

Fact – Everyone has the right to get laid. Also fact – Private rooms exist in hostels. If you’re a randy couple of jerks, spring the extra $10 for you’re right to romp as you please. Or, if you pick up another toey traveller consider tipping the night watchman to use an empty room for your upcoming night of regrets and disease swapping.

3 – The Bathroom Jerk

Sharing a bathroom with fifty sweaty, hairy, masturbating jerks is bad enough. But having to navigate a minefield of shampoo bottles without stepping on the massive pile of fucking pubes surrounding the drain makes it unbearable. These sacks of puke even think it’s acceptable to keep their toothbrushes in the shared shower! Filthy jerks.

4 – The Dress Like a Twat Jerk

Okay, so you don’t have a job, or any reason to get dressed up or any shred of self-fucking decency it seems. But what is the actual fucking purpose of dressing like a complete and utter twatsicle? Do those stripy, pukey pyjama pants help you move quicker, or do they have any other special powers that I don’t know about? No? Throw them the fuck away then; you look like an extra from Jerky Christ Superstar.

5 – The Aussie Jerk

I am an Australian. I sometimes feel the need to whisper that when making new friends in hostels. I know it’s a massive generalization but I’m not here to win a fucking Pulitzer. We’re jerks. Massive jerks. Constantly taking over hostels with our loud, loutish, drunken behaviour (usually before breakfast). Aussie jerks also tend to think they know every fucking thing about travel after they’ve done a three month stint in Europe on a Contiki tour. Identifying marks are: Sportswear, southern cross tattoos, wearing thongs in winter and stupid snobby faces.

6 – The “I work here” Jerk

It’s usually quite easy to spot these jerks, just look for a grinning, shirtless man/woman making his exit from whatever conquests room he/she shared a bed with the night before. These guys or girls will prance through the bar like they own the place, then line up a dozen Jäger bombs to round up a drinking posse for the night. Watch as newbies line up to make besties with one of these jerks soon after checking in. They’re pretty much the high school football quarterbacks of hostels, but without any talent.

7 – The I Can Do It Cheaper Jerk

“Ohhh man, you paid way too much for that… You got ripped off dude”. These are the statements you’ll hear coming from their stupid jerky mouths. They will harp on about how much money they saved by riding a blind three-legged donkey from Puerto Who Cares to Shutthefuckupville instead of taking the $2 air-conditioned bus. They treat travelling as a competition; raving about how many local taxi drivers they’ve blown for a free fare or how many passport stamps they’ve amassed during their penny pinching little lives. Easily found by amount of last nights pot noodles stuck in their beards or squiggly smell lines waving off their heads like Charlie Brown.

8 – The Been There, Done That Jerks

You’ll spot these leathered, haggard, tattooed jerks trying to fit in with the younger cool kids at the bar. They were here ten years ago when it “wasn’t so commercialised”. Be prepared to hear about travelling before the Internet existed, making bookings via payphone and generally doing everything the hard way. These jerks have probably just ended a marriage and are out to find themselves (or a few shags). Buy them a few rums and their stories will spill!

9 – The Frat Boy Jerk

“WHO’S FUCKIN PLAYING BEER PONG??!!” is the quintessential catch-cry of the Frat Jerk. They’ll school your ass in flippy-cup while bragging about how much money they made playing online poker in the past three months using their foolproof method. Easily spotted shirtless, rocking a puka shell necklace and swigging light beer from a plastic cup. This jerk will often overlap with Skype Jerk due to a fairly regular catch up with Daddy to top up the bank account. MKT