Outback Jacks, Puerto Viejo – “Shrek and the Shitty”

What a delightful motif!
What a delightful motif!

Well looky here, an “authentic” Aussie grill-house spank in middle of the Costa Rican jungle. We’d just arrived from Bocas del Toro, Panama and took some bikes for a spin around town. I was jonesing for some wi-fi as needed to get some work done so I asked the waitress that greeted us if they had any. “Yep, I’ll turn it on”. OK, now I felt special.

We picked some bar stools near the front the looked out onto the street. I plonked my ass down and swung my foot straight into two exposed 3″ nails sticking straight out of the leg. Great start. It hurt like shit and started bleeding immediately. So I handed the stool to the girl who shrugged her shoulders and brought me a new one without saying a word. Rude waitress, things that can kill you everywhere, ahhhh just like Australia!

Yeah mate, I'll take a spoon
Yeah mate, I’ll take a spoon

After the bleeding stopped the stroppy server sauntered over to take a drinks order. Rox orders a gin and tonic and I proudly ask for a Strawberry Margarita. Yeah bitch, I got the fruity drink. What of it? Well Debbie Downer returns later with a fucking salad bowl of margarita which made the gin and tonic look like one of those tiny cups they give you at hotel breakfast buffets for juice. I’m feeling pretty chuffed with my choice of tipple and make sure everyone else in the diner can see this monstrosity in front of me. A couple of stupid comments are made from half drunk tourists like “you won’t need a meal after that mate!” har har har!

The next bit of entertainment comes from two girls sat behind us that I dubbed “Shrek and the Shitty”. Well, these two moles thought they were fucking Samantha & Carrie having a good yarn about their sex lives (or lack thereof in my opinion). Samantha is blabbing on about all the different boyfriends she’s dumped (yeah, sure hun) because they treated her like a hobby. What the fuck does that even mean? Did they try and paste you into a fucking scrapbook? Or were they strapping a saddle to your back and cantering your ass around the stables? Just shut up. Shrek barely got a word it edgewise but it was the same old shit. We painfully overheard (they were making sure the whole restaurant could listen) this mundane conversation until it was too much to bear.

Holy shit, did you see that margarita?
Holy shit, did you see that margarita?

In the end we decided not to try such tasty offerings like “Fair dinkum nachos” or “Throw another shrimp on the barbie”.   Check please! MKT


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